Why being cheated on doesn’t matter and what you should be doing instead

There comes a point where one realizes that relationship games are self-defeating.

This means that if you try to control and hold onto a relationship, you’re really just deluding yourself. It’s self-deception.

Once my girlfriend wanted me to “take her out” because I had to “take care of her” and that I didn’t want to buy her drinks rubbed her the wrong way. In that moment, I realized that this wasn’t the woman for me.

So I told her, “Then we are not compatible, and this is over.” I got out of the car and walked away.

She took off after me, and I ran. The drama continued for 30 minutes with her sobbing, grabbing onto me, following me in her car, and finally me succumbing. She explained that it was all ok, that she didn’t really need that stuff, that I didn’t have to.

But I knew that I had only bought myself some time.

This was a temporary solution to a fundamental difference between us. Such a huge gap between our values and perspectives.

She didn’t want to be mature and handle herself. She wanted someone else to do it for her. And the struggle between her need to be independent and her utter failure as a person to do so only made the rift between us worse.

And so one day I found myself worrying about her cheating. “I’m going out to do some shopping,” she’d said, “And then maybe I’m going to a restaurant.”

The deadpan delivery, the almost subtle blow at the end triggered an alarm bell. I said, “What?” and she repeated herself, again without any reassurance or emotion whatsoever.

After an hour of attempting to focus on my own work to no avail, it struck me that attempting to control her behavior, let alone even concern myself with her actions only demonstrated that I was not interested in her or the relationship, or our compatibility. I just “didn’t want to be cheated on.” It was a need for control and security, where there really is none. Especially if the other person is not onboard.

It’s not necessary to ensure your partner is faithful. If they are compatible, they’ll do it for you. And if not, they’ll cheat. And why does that concern you?

But it goes even DEEPER than that.

Attempting to play the game of controlling a relationship is actually violating your own identity and it is a massive energy and time-suck because rather than just allowing yourself to be, you are instead concerned with power struggles and inter-relationship battles. But is that what you really want?

Attempting to play a relationship game can blind you to the reality of your situation. If games are being played, you may want to evaluate whether they are worth playing with that person. Because if you choose not to play, and then you get cheated on, is it really your fault?

Being cheated on can actually signify more about the person who has cheated on you than it does about you.

If you are with someone who goes behind your back and can’t trust you, or who is actively pursuing behaviors that you aren’t down with, then why in the fuck do you feel the need to step in and alter their behavior?

Obviously this person isn’t right for you, and they don’t have the awareness, empathy, or compatibility to be honest, true, or direct.

If they are resorting to manipulation and controlling behaviors NOW, then what makes you think this is going to ever be better in the future?

Cheating is almost a certainty if you are going to play games in relationships, and in that case you have two choices:

*Play the game, and sacrifice your time, identity, and self-worth OR
*Refuse to play, and seek out like-minded people for your partnerships.

If a woman is trying to cheat on you because you don’t take her out enough, get rid of her. Period.

Nobody has a free pass to deceive or play games behind your back because they aren’t getting certain desires met.

If a woman’s desire to be taken out, for example, exceeds her desire for YOU, then why in the fuck would you ever want to involve yourself in the first place?

That’s her game. Let her play. Let her burn. It’s not your problem.

You COULD:

A) Blame yourself for not taking her out and not doing enough to salvage the relationship. OR
B) You could recognize that if what that bitch wanted was unreasonable, or lacked empathy, or if she is the kind of woman to cheat when she has promised to be true, then just maybe it’s not really your “fault” if you get cheated on.

Nobody likes to lose, but consider this:

IF YOU ARE PLAYING GAMES, THEN YOU ARE ALREADY LOSING.

Attempting to ensure a woman only sees you is really just slavery.

It is, again, a byproduct of a need to control and it represents a lack of personal identity. I want you to really grok that by worrying about being cheated on, you are holding onto a false idea. An illusion.

Consider:

If you are already getting all of your needs met in a relationship, then what do you care if she cheats or not? Is total, ruthless honesty a need you have? And why? Not that it’s a bad thing, but then consider that you have better things to do than require total honesty and 100% of your needs from your partner.

Instead of worrying about cheating from your bitch, why not just redirect your energies toward other activities, or other women? Then it won’t even matter what that “one girl” does, and you know why?

Because then you will SEE that if a woman cheats on you it’s really just a reflection of her anyway. It’s also a sign of compatibility.

“Everything was just fine, and then she cheated on me.”

This is a lie.

Think about it: if everything was really well truly great and fine, then why would she have cheated? And if SHE wasn’t getting what she needed or wanted, then you probably weren’t either.

Chances are if a girl cheats on you, then the two of you are ALREADY failing to meet each other’s needs anyway.

There is really no need to worry about a girl cheating when you can remember that the whore wasn’t so great anyway. There were tons of flaws. In fact, you probably considered leaving 100x already.

In fact, if you’re emotionally distant from her and she cheats on you, then is it really an act of betrayal on her part?

Or is it really just deception of yourself, to suddenly be so jealous and possessive of something that wasn’t even great to begin with, a source of continual pain.

Ask me how I know.

If you’re in such bad straits that cheating threatens you and she appears to have no qualms with it, then BOTH of you already had a fundamental problem before the relationship even began.

While I suppose these things can just “happen” when boundaries aren’t clear or the relationship is in a “grey area,” that again signifies that the two of you weren’t on the same page to begin with, so it shouldn’t really bother you that this is happening.

In a world where all women are all “like that” and are manipulative shrews capable of cheating at the slightest weakness from their partner, then yes, I can certainly see why jealousy would tear you apart and why “cheating” would be such a major issue.

But coming from a realistic perspective, you’re really just coming from a place of NEED and insecurity, and she is the vessel to inhabit that space.

If you really loved HER, then you would love her if she cheated, or else you wouldn’t actually love her.

In my case, I didn’t love her. I had nothing to love about her. She was damaged and broken and made no effort to change.

And the fact she wanted to cheat, by finding men to take her out, and had no support system or other women, only meant that SHE was the one at fault. Not me.

You can’t blame yourself if a woman goes off and does something because you “failed to do this or that.”

Not only is this just not quite true, but it means you are failing to see the bigger picture:

You and her were never good for each other anyway.

And if you find that this keeps happening with each successive partner, then perhaps you’d better fix your perspective first. You might be more prone to finding trustworthy, honest people if you were that way yourself.

It’s counterintuitive at first–but then again, most people going to seek relationship advice don’t quite have that intuition handled to begin with because they are used to having the same kind of relationships and problems, and so it all seems “normal.”

When you have a perspective it creates a filter of bias. This is totally natural and understandable.

People can go their entire lives viewing the world or things a certain way, no matter how untrue they may be, and it all makes sense to THEM, even though you can tell that they are completely insane.

So don’t worry yourself about it.

If you’re being cheated on, then there is a reason for it, and you don’t have to beat yourself up over it.

Consider that someone worth being with might actually care enough not to cheat in the first place, and if they don’t care anymore it’s because the relationship isn’t worth salvaging. For either of you.

If she continually doesn’t care, then you’re not giving her what she wants or needs. And chances are she is letting you down in the same way.

Evaluate whether you really were happy in this relationship, and wanted it to continue. If she’s ever threatened to leave unless you do this or that, consider that maybe you really don’t WANT to do this or that, and that it’s OK if she chooses to move on.

It’s really not your job to sacrifice yourself for your partner.

And attempting to keep a girl “in check” or control her or play the relationship game is JUST THAT–it’s a sacrifice.

Why would you ever sacrifice yourself for something so trivial? What can you possibly hope to gain?

If you really can’t or don’t want to give someone what they want, then what do you have to lose?

Do you think you can’t find somebody else?

Are you so alone you have to hold onto this one person?

Do you REALLY think this is *TRUE LOVE?*

When real love comes, it’s not going to hide away. It’s not going to be something you fight savagely for in a relationship warfare where intentions and actions are unclear and it’s all manipulations and games. Bullshit.

If you are at a stage where you are ready for more than that, then you must find someone who is on your level.

Or else you can expect to be descended down into their level, and strip away your own identity for a false cause.

If you just want to use this person, then do so with the full knowledge that you are using them, that this is not love, that it’s not ultimately fulfilling and that you really have nothing to lose by being “cheated on,” since she never REALLY gave a crap about you anyway.

So what’s the big deal?

Cheating is just a more potent sign that the relationship is already unhealthy

The point here is this:

If you don’t want to take a woman out, and her best recourse is to cheat on you rather than make herself desirable enough for you to take her out, then why would you care if she cheated on you in the first place?

There are better ways to persuade someone than through threats or betrayal or total abandonment.

And in the case that it has finally COME to threats over other methods, then the relationship was already doomed for failure. Let me tell you why:

One or both of you aren’t getting what you need. And that means either one person is unwilling to give, or unable to give. Either of which spell relationship doom.

So when you think about it, getting cheated on really just represents either a major incompatibility, or a failure on your part that goes WELL BEYOND mere control or game-playing.

If you are so incapable of meeting someone’s needs that they have to cheat on you, then no amount of game-playing is any solution.

There’s only one solution, and that is to make oneself more desirable to their partner or give them what they need.

The vast majority of relationships fail because these needs aren’t getting met. And that’s really OK.

Cheating isn’t exactly the be-all end-all. It’s really just a progressive manifestation of a much deeper problem in the relationship.

It was already unhealthy. And both of you are to blame in that.

And there is only one way out.

You need to be sure you are meeting your partner’s needs, and you need to be sure they are meeting yours. And to get there might take work.

Cheating is what happens when one or both people aren’t willing to put in the work.

And in that case, you have two choices: leave or stay.

It’s your choice. But if you choose to stay with someone incapable of change, then just know that it’s not really your “fault” you can’t control them. You have only yourself to blame for staying with someone who was already bad for you.

And so there is nothing to cry about. Just accept that and move on.

There is real love waiting out there, and you won’t find it by beating a dead horse.

You will find it when it finds you.

Remember: it takes two.

 

— James Mast

Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *