“Look how you turned out.”
“I’m tired of your sociopathic tendencies.”
“All you care about is yourself 120%.”
“You’re a monster.”
“I don’t like your negativity.”
Statements designed not to help, not to love, statements stemming from ego defensiveness as she proves she’s better than me. I thought I’d never hear it from her mouth.
I thought being arrogant and strong would make me attractive. Now she walks out for the first time ever.
She’s been blowing up my phone for days. She can’t stand being away from me.
“I thought there was hope for you.”
“I’m a co-dependent. We look for people we can fix.”
She tears my heart out. All this time I’ve been trying to help HER, and here this woman, this alien stands before me and tells me she does not love my character, she does not support me.
“Get a job.”
“You need God.”
And there it is, folks.
The two statements of the weak designed to do one thing.
When people need a purpose, they turn to the System to deliver one to them. They know they need a purpose.
Their lives are unfulfilled and uncontent and they know they need a purpose, so they fill that “void” with God. They fill their money “troubles” with a “job.”
Only to start the cycle ad-nauseum, as they go through the “Dark Night of the Soul” over and over again.
The Dark Knight of the Soul
Depression, she said, is because we have lost something.
The exact words I was thinking.
But it doesn’t end there.
Depression is a divine gift. It is a message, designed to teach us we have something that needs changing.
It does not mean we have “done wrong” or are “bad people.”
Depression is not a loss where we are doomed to grief. Depression is when we have lost our purpose, and need to return to it. Else we feel bored and listless.
“There’s something in the outside world we’re denying.”
For the woman who will try to break my heart, she has spoken more true words.
When we deny that we can take on the challenge, when we deny what we need to do, depression kicks in. It never feels good. It feels like failure.
The weak drown and die in this state and good riddance.
Some, in their darkness, turn to a God, but that is weakness and it is a delusion. I see no God in my reality, and if I were to start imagining one it would be fakeness. Delusional.
I would understand the usefulness of this delusion, though. Don’t get me wrong.
But then why not cut out the middleman?
“I know people in poverty who have joy and are content.”
She tries to talk me out of success, out of what I want. She is not supportive at all.
She is lazy and
fat overweight and she cuts herself and throws fits when she goes off her medications about killing herself.
I see the madness in her, her mind is torn into two pieces. I name those pieces Jess 1 and Jess 2, and she denies them but they’re there.
There is a Jess 3, and it’s the worst one of all. We never talk about it because it rarely comes out.
But today it’s out.
Is this a test? WOMAN?
“I thought there was hope for you to be a good person.”
I thought there was hope she could get over her bipolar disorder. I thought there was hope she would stop getting on me about my character and love the real me.
She stands there and pretends to pity me–and it hurts. It’s like the tables have turned.
All I have done… she spurns and spits in my face.
I wonder what I have “done wrong” but maybe there is nothing I could do in this scenario. I revealed my cards. I revealed who I was, who I wish to become.
And she rejected that.
A divine blessing
Depression is a gift from the gods. They grant us their melancholy not that we may be melancholy in enlightenment, but that we may be shown the way to their enlightment.
We trod through the dark path that we may emerge on the other side.
It is a dark gift. Unholy and necessary.
Through pain children are birthed, and through struggle we are made whole.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.”
She is friendless, and she knows it. She runs with men and she is a self-admitted “slut.” I see her for what she is, and she knows what she is:
We all have our defenses, and she is a VICTIM.
The victims run.
They want me to step down from my throne.
Let God sit on that throne?
The women come back because they are scarred. They are torn and they need to heal.
They scorn the very thing that they feed off of, they are like vipers and that is why Eve bit the apple and called it “good.”
My father taught me once that “women will always try to usurp the man.” And while I did not want to believe it, my father was right.
I speak of my father and the Bible frequently amongst my writings and it gives a strange impression from a “Rebel.” Should I not have denied these things?
I am a Rebel for that reason. I take what suits me and discard what doesn’t.
For a long time I thought of women as “equals” and I tried to “save” my mom from my dad. Only later to realize that this was the only fundamental reason their relationship worked.
You cannot display your true self or your weaknesses to women and expect to have agreement or approval.
The woman will run when the man displays “neediness.” When he proves that he is falling, or cracking.
But that is just on a socio-sexual level.
On a Systematic level, she fears me. I am the liberation she craves, and her conditioning rejects the Rebel inside.
It is still indebted to God.
Hear me now:
The sexual and the intimate are two different things.
I am NOT just saying that “love” and “sex” are two different things. Anybody with eyes can see that you don’t have to be in love to have sex. Fucking is fucking and making love is fucking + love.
No, I am suggesting a different revelation:
You cannot confuse your longing, your lust for your need to be sexually gratified.
Satisfaction does not come from gratification.
Your satisfaction can only come from your intimacy with those of your own “kind.”
Now this is NOT to suggest that we are all different “kinds” and that you require some “niche.”
By this thinking everyone would be equal and there would be no significant “truth.”
If everyone just got along with others of their own kind, nobody would be alone. But that’s not the way things are. Many are alone, and many are more skilled and stronger than others. If you wish to be weak and be with other weak people, that is your choice.
But that leads to destruction and struggle and death.
All perspectives are NOT relevant.
There are still rules to the universe.
There are rules embedded into our genetic fabric.
We are biological and we respond to what’s buried in our DNA.
You can seek a soulmate all year long, but for one night you cannot reveal yourself. You must appeal on a sexual level.
That is why you must be DOMINANT [link].
When you lose this quality, because you’ve been soul-searching, you will lose the women as you seek one compatible. You will secretly be searching for one compatible with your emerging soul, and that will cut out all of the other women who you could
use form relationships with for your other needs.
It’s a tragic little game, but your soul and your dick will always be in conflict until you put each in its “place.”
Hunting for women
When you hunt, you must hunt with your dick.
If you hunt with your soul you must be prepared for rejection based on your soul.
Whatever you appeal with, that’s what the women will see.
Like a peacock, if you shiver with shiny treasures in your crisp black suit then the women you attract will be attracted to that.
Common sense for the idiot.
But it’s not so common sense, is it?
They all cry:
“BOO HOO! Is it looks? Money? Status? What do I need to be good with women?!”
Perhaps take a mirror and look into it. Then you will know what you are attracting.
Not to say it’s all about the external, or the appearance. It’s not.
I mean take a good damn metaphysical look in your goddamn metaphysical mirror and ask yourself two questions:
A) What do I want?
B) Am I attracting what I want?
If this woman who cannot stop coming to you hates your very character, you must decide.
If you want to be loved AND desired, that’s trickier to find. I won’t say it’s more difficult. I mean that you’ll have to fucking find both if you want both. Don’t settle for one and confuse it for the other:
The psychosexual conflict
And now we come full circle: the psychosexual conflict that destroys our soul.
It’s not just about penis or brain, or penis and heart.
It’s about wanting to FUCK women and then wanting that “one special person” to complete you.
Whatever you pick, others will disapprove.
Some faggots choose celibacy.
Some homosexuals choose other men.
Some choose marriage, some choose parties.
Some don’t even know what they want.
Some just drift endlessly, without defining their goals.
And that’s where I want you to stop.
Stop now and make a decision
Just make a decision.
That’s all there is to it.
There is no cosmic judge and you can make ANY GODDAMN DECISION YOU PLEASE:
…with this one caveat…
YOU MUST STICK TO IT.
That’s all that is required. Make any damn decision, as long as it’s what you want, and then stick to it. Don’t bend because you’ve thought of something else.
You must seek out the joy in whatever your particular calling is, knowing full well you can change it.
And that is the challenge.
Knowing you can change it, knowing it may not be the right decision, you STICK TO IT ANYWAY.
This is the way.
Some would call this folly and madness.
But I would call the indecision a worse insanity.
Better to go into battle with full assurance of death and die gloriously than sit on the edge of the battlefield, worrying and fearing your fate and demise, unable to even take a step.
SO DON’T BE PARALYZED.
Make a decision.
It’s the right one.